> Pregnant, or planning
a pregnancy? Sick of the Horror Stories?
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edition April 08
At Birthtalk we know that BIRTH MATTERS ...
and how we feel about our births is IMPORTANT.
Healing From Birth
How do women feel DURING a bad birth?
How can women feel AFTER a bad birth?
I'm healthy and the baby is too...isn't that all that matters?"
Can I feel bad about my birth and still love my baby?
What if it was so bad I don't want any more kids?
Making peace with your birth
How Birthtalk can help
Want a Better Birth next time?
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Mother of two - one born by unplanned caesarean, one born vbac [more testimonials]
It might not look "that bad" to an outsider. It might not look "that bad" to your partner. It may not even look "that bad" to you, but it FELT THAT BAD...and THAT is what matters.It could have been a caesarean or a natural birth.
It might have taken 30 hours or 3 hours. A bad birth is defined by the WAY YOU FEEL, not just the EVENTS THAT OCCURRED.
frightened
isolated
unacknowledged or unheard
confused by events (perhaps because no-one has informed them what is happening)
powerless (like their birth was being done TO them, not them DOING birth)
a feeling that there was something missing from the birth.
You might feel a lack of confidence with mothering and reject your mothering instincts
You might experience hypervigilance in your care of your baby...a natural expression of feeling powerless during childbirth
You might have feelings of failure, which can impact upon your general confidence in life
You might be angry with your partner if you felt he should have rescued you (whether or not he really could).
You might feel so constricted by the trauma of the birth that you cannot fully express your love for your baby.
But it does not always have to be this way.
Q>Everyone keep telling me I should be grateful. I¹m healthy and the baby is healthy. . . isn¹t that all that matters?
A> A common response from well-meaning people. But a "healthy" mum also means one who is healthy emotionally. Of COURSE you are grateful for your baby¹s safe arrival - that goes without saying. Feeling empty, angry, sad or distressed is a NORMAL response to being in a situation where you felt afraid, powerless or unacknowledged. You may need support to be able to move through this experience so you can let the happiness and love for your child out, and be the best mum you can be.
Q>Can I feel bad about my birth & still love my baby?
A> Yes, yes, yes! You can feel distressed and angry with HOW your child arrived, at the same time as feeling JOY at THE FACT your baby has arrived. They are separate events.
Your sadness at the way the birth went does NOT reflect your feelings about your baby. It is ok to be sad, angry, & upset. And it is ok to let your feelings of love for your baby out. They are there...but may be hidden under layers of grief or trauma.
Q>what if it was so bad I don¹t want any more kids?
A>An understandable response, given what you have been through. Some women find making peace with a bad birth allows them to embrace the possibility of another child . Other women find healing allows them to enjoy the family they already have, even more.
It IS possible to make peace with your birth, and gain clarity about your experience.
You don't always have to feel that emptiness, or such an intensity of emotions, about "what happened" when your little one arrived.
Initially, many women find it helpful to:
1. talk to people who know that BIRTH MATTERS & receive validation for how they are feeling
2. hear other women¹s experiences & realise they ARE NOT ALONE
3. realise that birth CAN be different, it is SUPPOSED to be different, and there are valid reasons for their confusion, sadness and behaviour
How Birthtalk can help...
Healing From Birth Support Group:
Birthtalk's support group for women & couples gaining understanding and working through a disturbing birth experience (or postnatal period).
Birthtalk offers understanding & validation from women who know that BIRTH MATTERS. We also offer ideas for processing your experience, and making peace with the birth, and ways to make it different the next time.
Click here for more information about our Healing From Birth Support Group meeting times/dates/venue
It is NOT about trying to control the actual event of childbirth.
It is NOT about whether you have gas or pethidine, or a waterbirth or a caesarean.
It IS about walking away from your birth feeling strong, positive, and confident.
It IS about knowing WHAT THINGS ARE IMPORTANT IN BIRTH for you to feel good about it and gain from it, and HOW TO GET THEM.
A Better Birth means feeling part of the decision-making, which is the KEY FACTOR many women report made their birth a positive event...REGARDLESS of how the birth unfolded.
Our "Path to a Better Birth" course provides vital info about what women need to know to plan a Better Birth.
Click here for more information about our "Path to a Better Birth" sessions